Cosmopolitan or Western Horseman?

All women want to feel beautiful, strong, witty, and at times, glamorous.  Whether you work indoors and wear a tailored suit with 3 inch heels all day, teach snot-nosed children and wear a jumper, or like me, your days are spent in blue jeans, t-shirts, ball cap, and boots, all women want to feel feminine. Well, most women. (Maybe not the FED EX driver that just delivered my package. She did resemble a full back and apparently doesn't own tweezers.)  But most of us like to feel pretty.   I'll admit, while waiting in the line at the grocery store, I do get drawn in by the glamorous covers of Cosmo, and their "5 Tips To Finding Your Inner Goddess". (Or maybe it is the "8 New Sex Positions All Women Should Beg For" article. But that is another story for another day. Beauty first!) Between the two above mentioned articles, I purchase the magazine, thinking, "Maybe it's time to step it up a notch. This old girl ain't dead yet, and maybe my spouse will want to watch me instead of the Outdoor Channel."  I take it home, hide it from my husband, and think about putting these tips into action.  Flipping open the page....

Beauty Tip #1:  Waxing away unwanted or unneeded hair always leaves you feeling soft and silky to the touch. 

Heather's Thought: Waxing? Have you noticed that I am a thick haired brunette? Besides, how do you determine the difference between unwanted and unneeded? The wiry, pig whiskers that attack your chin after 30, and the upper lip hair thick enough to give your man a run for his money, definitely qualify as unwanted. Unneeded hair...hmmm...bikini lines and etc... Just thinking about a full Monty wax makes me cringe, not to mention the irritation that comes after. That would be fun riding in a saddle all day with the third day itch coming on, sweating your ass off in the July heat. Skipping #1...

Beauty Tip #2:  Purchasing a beautiful pair of strappy high heels will make your legs look long and elegant.

Heather's Thought: HA! High heels. Shit. I can't walk in regular shoes on a good day! Adding 3 inches to my clumsy ass would surely leave me falling head over heels, literally. Moving on to #3

Beauty Tip #3:  Spoil yourself with a luxurious pedicure.

Heather's Thought:  Hmmm... the last time I showed my toes to anybody on purpose for a pedi, I was laughed out of the salon by the little Asian lady. "You have hairy toes! You feet ugly! You need pedicure!" Me, "Well no shit lady! Why do you think I am here?"  Forget it... Not going back.

Beauty Tip #4:  Treat yourself to a relaxing Swedish massage.

Heather's Thought: I don't get naked in front of my husband at home with the lights on. Do you really think I am going to expose myself to some hot Swedish guy named Bjorn? Or worse, Olga whose size rivals the Green Bay Packers Center? Besides, I didn't adhere to Beauty Tip #1: Waxing. Hot showers will have to do.

Beauty Tip #5:  Every goddess should own a divine red lipstick.

Heather's Thought:  Oh, RED lipstick. Well, since I did not wax, I am face first on the floor because of my strappy high heels, my toes are still hairy and unpainted, and I am not relaxed because of lack of massage, I'm sure that RED lipstick will do the trick in making me feel beautiful.

Why in the heck did I buy this stupid magazine? Oh yeah, it was for the sex article. Maybe next time I should just stick with the Western Horseman instead.