Santa...Baby

As the holidays approach, it becomes very clear to me the difference in how men and women approach the holidays.  A woman’s to do list is long, complicated and distinguished. We have kids’ holiday programs, presents to buy, a house to decorate, goodies to bake, weight to lose, hair to dye, and dysfunctional family gatherings to attend.  A man’s to do list is (wait…they have one?)  As much as I would love to morph into a man during the holiday season, and forgo unwanted stress and chaos brought on by the flurry of holiday shopping, Christmas music, company Christmas parties, and such, it just won’t happen.  So, I wrote you girls a little Christmas tune set to “Santa Baby” to hum while you go a wee bit crazy this holiday season.

“Santa Baby, slip a little wine under the tree, for me.

I’ve been just a little crazy this year.

Santa Baby, please hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa baby, I’d like to be alone for a moment, or two,

Somewhere my kids and husband can’t track? Is that really too much to ask?

Santa baby, so shinny down the chimney tonight.

Just think of all the crap

  I have to do.
Next year I could be just as sweet,
If I could get a massage from some hot Swede.

Santa baby, I want a rockin’ bod and really that's not a lot.
'Cause, I’m sorta tired of parts that sag and drag; Santa baby,
so squeeze on down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey, there's one thing that I really do need,
a beach – with a sweet, cabana boy and an umbrella drink, Santa baby
so send me somewhere warm and sandy tonight.

Santa baby, or how ‘bout a night of netflix and ice cream?
Or even some chocolate will do, Santa cutie,
and pop on down the chimney tonight.

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some free time and extra sanity;
I think I really do believe in you,
So, let's see if you believe in me,too.

Santa baby, I forgot to mention one little thing, a brain, to remember every little thing,

Santa baby, so hurry your butt down the chimney tonight.

That’s right, I said get your fat butt down the chimney tonight.”

So, get on your fat pants, crank up the holiday classics, pour yourself a glass of red, pink, or white and unwind and enjoy your family and friends.  And remember girls, it’s perfectly normal to consume vast amounts caffeine and alcohol to ring in this holiday season.  You’ve earned every sip!